HAUNTED BY THE PAST : one family's terrifying discovery of their ROYAL ROOTS

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i jokingly refer to my mother as a 

"character from a Pat Conroy novel"

at times,

because she has both the mad talents of a woman who constantly re-invents herself,

and, yes,

she was once a beauty queen.

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but not just ANY beauty queen.

nooooo.

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the queen of puerto rico's annual equivalent of mardi gras.

the first non-native to ever hold the crown.

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that's right.

she was once queen of an entire island nation.

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IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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for instance.

the way she carries herself?

she once dragged THIS around behind her :

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there was a headdress,

and attendants,

and escorts . . .

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the woman was given her own COURT.

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before you say it,

both lauren and i were like 

"um, mom, what's with the kids dressed up as coolies?"

and she was like

"huh.  i have no idea."

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spoken like a true monarch.

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of course, there were some tender discoveries too,

like the shots of my grandparents :

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check the gown on grandma.

i obviously inherited her taste.

i would SO ROCK that dior.

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my sister, however,

inherited my mother's beauty and sense of regal poise :

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and i?

i was going to be an ASTRONAUT!

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that's right, bitches.

SPACE CAMP.

i was going to be,

according to the banner behind me,

MAN IN SPACE!

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i guess what we learned from all this

is that when you are descended from royals

you can never destroy all the photographic evidence.

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but that if you ask REALLY NICELY,

la reina will dig out the crown jewels,

and let you try them on.

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